Hi. I think I’m getting a little better. I don’t cry as often anymore, but of course I still miss you. I think I’ve given up on wifey for now though. Whether or not this is good news for you, it makes me think of our pact.

The pact we made, that said we’d stop for two years. And when we both turned 18, we’d drop everything and come back together. I can’t remember if we cancelled that but technically it’s still in effect. I said I didn’t think I’d find anyone else for the two years, and worried sick you would. Whether or not you’d still honor our agreement, just a thought.

As I said above, I think i’ve given up on wifey for a while. Long story short, I’ve lost all hope, and crying everynight just plain hurts. It just amazes me how quickly someone can fall out of love with someone, and go on to liking someone else. Does it seem silly we used to say we were obsessed with each other? Yeah yeah I still love you. But what does it matter, i’ve given up for the most part. I wonder If i’m one of the few people who know what you look like when you wake up. Maybe one of the very very few who think you still look beautiful.

I hope you still honor our second agreement, the one about how we’d stop talking for a few months then resume sometime early 2011. (yes, I consider everything in the past two months not talking. Compared to our old daily aim conversations, it really is nothing.) My biggest fear with that agreement was that by the time it would be time to start talking again, you wouldn’t want to. You would never be on aim anymore, your Beckman friends would leave no room for me, etc. etc. etc. Don’t replace me.**

In retrospect I don’t remember what happened. It was late 2010, and after a few big arguments we just stopped. I tried desperately to talk things over with you but then I came off as annoying.

I just want to be best friends again Vivien. I miss the you that didn’t go out every weekend, and stayed home all day after school and talked to me. I miss our daily conversations. How we shared secrets with each other. And all the other stuff I said in the other long post, blah blah blah. The title is two songs by the way. Don’t share them. At least I still know we both hate it when good music goes viral. Oh yeah, I miss that too.

I think I already talked about Landon in the other long post, but don’t lose sight of the little people. You can’t imagine how dearly I miss the old him either. 

Maybe this is just the way things are. Key Club takes your close friends away from you and gives them back changed. I willingly helped you with your homework, and wrote an essay for you when you were just that girl from tustin. I willingly accepted you, and liked you alot more back then to be honest. I wouldn’t have ever done anything to hurt you. You knew we couldn’t choose our families. Don’t lose sight of the little people. Don’t become the person we both used to say we hated.

Knowing you went to Winter Formal makes me want to ask you to ours. We both know I never would have done this, and that seems like a reason our relationship could never be normal. Yours with him seems pretty standard. I hope you’re getting everything you wanted from me. I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you myself. And trust me, I’m paying the price for that. (not being sarcastic). It’s at Angels Stadium.. would you want to go?

dqwdhqwiudhwqdiuhqwiudqwdjaosodij……Jealousy does things to you.

You’d just tell me it’s too late anyway.

**P.S. Could you tell me if you still honor our second agreement, and still want to   talk to me? I just hope what I feared would happen isn’t happening.   Respond in a post, etc. etc. you know the drill. I wonder if you check this tumblr as much as i check strawberry for new news. In other words, every ten minutes. I already know I don’t have a life.

You look smashing by the way, miss bond.