Hi. If you read this, please please please respond.

Dear Vivien,

I want to kill myself. It’s bad enough we’re not hubby and wifey anymore (enough normally to make me cry, as you know), but now I have five thousand other things to make me cry. You have a boyfriend. You’ve become popular. If i was 80% of your life in 2009, I’ve been reduced to .05% this year. My Grandfather is hospitalized, and will probably die within the year as well. I’m currently enduring the hardest school year of my life. I can’t talk to you daily to help my self stay sane. Oscar talks to you more than he does to me now. Whenever i try to talk to him, he either doesn’t respond or responds like this: “No.”. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t feel bad if i suddenly became good friends with one of your friends you’ve had for eleven years, after they poked me on Facebook for a month. Then afterwards they stopped talking to you regularly. I don’t even want to touch landon. My current number of close friends to turn to is zero. My current number of people I can vent to is zero. My current number of people’s shoulders I can cry on is zero. My current number of internet websites I can rant on, unsure if they’ll be read by you, or if you’ll hate them is one. What are your numbers? 

Ever since I’ve moved into this house it seems, (even before), our relationship has drifted farther and farther apart. When, all I wanted was for it to move closer and closer together. I’m even depressed about this house. It’s not easy moving, and I dearly miss living with my mom, joshua, and sabrina, and just… having everything be normal. I desperately wanted to talk to you about this, and just vent to you, but you weren’t there to. 

There’s alot of things I want to vent to you about, to cry on your shoulder about.

Honestly, If i don’t do it soon, I really think i’ll kill myself. I can’t take this life anymore. Maybe i’m just overly - sensitive. Does every teenager really have it this bad? Does every teenager have absolutely no one they can turn to for help, when the one person they do want to turn to doesn’t want them?

To help you understand better, here’s an analogy.

I’m in jail for who knows what reason. You’re out in the normal world. We used to be married, but divorced when I was taken away. Life in prison is miserable. You can’t talk to anyone, You get beat up, the food’s terrible, you get diseased all the time, and people die left and right. I only have one reason to live at the moment. One single burning candle in a room of dark. And it’s you. I write you letters every day, telling you how awful it is in here. How I’ve come down with typhoid or something and i’ll die any week, but I still love you dearly. Problem is, even if we’re allowed to write letters, little do we know the warden just collects them all and throws them away. We can get incoming letters though. So every few weeks or so, you send me one. Last month, you said you found a new guy. Then you guys got married. You had children, and everything is going perfectly fine. Boom. candle’s out. What’s there to live for. Typhoid will get me soon enough anyways. Why keep fighting?

Dramatic as it may seem, this really is how I feel.

Our separation (lover and friendship wise) has done you good vivien. Look at your life. It seems like the only thing you have to complain about are your parents. you know, at least they’re not divorced, and one had one arrested. No big deal right?

Look at your boyfriend. 10x better than me. Honestly, I don’t know why you were all mopey over Jennifer. If you cried over her, does that mean I can go ahead and die because of him? Put yourself in my shoes. Imagine if you were sad because we separated. You never moved to Beckman, and all your Tustin friends hated you, so you didn’t have any there. You waited day and night just for a chance to talk to me, while i made all new friends, and had a new girlfriend, and made tumblr posts about her, and this that and everything else that made you completely miserable. As if your life wasn’t bad enough. No big deal right? I can’t help but wonder if you love him as much as I know you loved me.

Look at your friends. I remember when we used to have conversations about Landon. About how we used to say we hated popular people, and people who forgot about the little people. I don’t understand why everyone leaves me vivien. Am I just a stepping stone for everyone I meet, for them to move on to a bigger and greater life? When will it be my turn to move on? I’ve learned to talk more. not be so awkward, talk to people at school more often, yet…. it’s not clicking. Am I doing something wrong? What is the magical elixir one must take to be happy and have friends? Why is it that you somehow went from “I hate Beckman, Andrew Le likes me, his friends think he spends too much time with me” to “thomasngo(((:” ?

I’ve already told you about my life Vivien. More than anything I just want to be hugged by you, and told everything will be okay. You can’t possibly have no feeling for me whatsoever. If I hung myself, would you even flinch? We were best friends for two years.

Everytime I go out, rare as it is, I always think about you. I think about how I miss you, and how we never talk or hang out anymore. I wouldn’t be suprised if you didn’t think about me for weeks at a time. Pity. I remember the days we both couldn’t go a day without thinking about each other. I still can’t go a day without thinking about you. Does this mean I shouldn’t give up?

I always feel like radio songs are talking to me.

“I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same”

If you didn’t already know it, I’d catch a grenade for you. But you wouldn’t do the same, would you?

I found your videos by the way. I can’t bear to delete them. I wouldn’t have anything else from you if I did. I still watch them sometimes, and cry. (the non-pervy ones). I still watch the vlogs you made me over the summer too. I cry and hug my pillow. Please don’t delete those by the way. I never told you until now because I was afraid you would.

Whenever I’m sad, I still read the antidepressants you made me. Surely enough, they work for a while, and I try to pretend You still want me to read them so I won’t get depressed. They’re one of the things that help me get through the day.

I miss posts like this.

This morning, I woke up at around 10. I talked to him. :) We drove my grandma to work and then went shopping for a confirmation dress. Second week - hoping we find something. We found something! It’s from some Korean designer. xP After we got home, I got changed and went for a run. Right after my run I was sweaty so I hopped into the shower. I hate feeling sweaty. >.< The feeling of hopping into the shower right after a run feels great! :D After the shower, he came home! YAY, and he bought whipped cream, mmm ;) I ate some strawberries! My mom and I shopped online for VS Bras. I talked on the phone for awhile…& then made videos. HE’S SO HOT. OH MY DAYUM. *-* &he’s all minee! i’m so lucky. ;) <3 I started chemistry homework at 7 and finished at 7:35! In my opinion, that’s like super fast ahah ! x) I went to go eat and decided to finish the rest of my homework after. The shrimp was soo good - I love that that kind of shrimp! :D I came back and started my other homework. Ahhh ~ he called again :) He read his book to me, while I did homework :D

And this.

Sooo there’s this guy who swooped me off my feet when we first met…

 he made me laugh a lot today.  :) 

Those made me cry a little too. I miss you terribly Wifey. I still love you as much as I ever have.

I just want to be happy. But I want to be a part of your life again. I miss the days when you didn’t talk to anyone else on aim except me, EVEN when you did your homework. I miss our phone conversations. Our webcamming sessions. How I used to sing you to sleep. How you laughed at my fail Vietnamese. How we made each other stay up until 2, and regret it the next morning. How whenever I went on vacation, coming home to read all the messages you left me was my favorite part. How the world used to seem brighter when we were freshman, and I had you as a best friend.

Do you remember our deal, of not talking for a few months? Do you still want to talk to me everyday, and tell each other secrets like we used to? Could you ever be my best friend again. Whatever we argued about back in December that made not want to talk to me for a while, is it time yet? Do you still need to get ready?

I miss talking to you. Very very much. I don’t know how you transitioned from loving me and being bestfriends for such a long time, to loving someone else and not talking to me, but I can’t do that as easily. I hope we can continue talking every day soon. I really miss it.

You never respond to my posts when I want you to, or anything like that, but just this once could you? Please? Answer some of my questions?  

You know, Jennifer could never replace any aspect of you. I’ve never ranted or vented to her. Anything like that.

Do you remember when I said you wouldn’t be able to ever find someone who loved you as much as I did? I still believe it, 100%. 

Every morning I lie awake wishing I could die. Every Night I fall asleep hugging my pillow, tearing. 

To you, I may be just one person. To me, at this point in life, you really are everything. It’s hard to ever realize how important you are to someone. How life changing your actions can be. I once thought you were my savior. God - sent to help me recover from life’s tragedies. I still think you are. I’ve always dreamed of being your savior. someone you could talk to anytime you had trouble with anything. It’s why I always tell you to come talk to me if you need anything.

Know this, you are all that and a bag of chips.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this week. or this month. or this year.

To wrap it up, yes. Of course I’ll wait for you. I always will. 

Could you and would you ever love and be happy with me again?

- Hubby. 

Edit:

I’m not good enough.

I’ll never be good enough.